Redstate

Do we need to have someone make the bad woman *stop*?

By Moe Lane Posted in 2008 | A New American Empire | Barack Obama | The Best Democratic Primary EVER — Comments (17) / Email this page » / Leave a comment »

Do you need a nap? Have you gotten to the point yet where you need to be reminded what day it is, what state it is, and what the word "breakfast" means? Are you beginning to think that Charlie Stross was right when he claimed that all hotels are really the same hotel, linked somehow in a nefarious, yet inexplicably pointless, global conspiracy?

Because it sounds like you went a little out there recently.

(Via Hot Air; see also Marc Ambinder, who is infinitely nicer about this than I plan to be. Bad idea to try to go after your opponent's fundamental mental state, Barry. Bad idea.)

But see: this is the sort of thing that you can make work to your advantage. Just announce that this was actually part of your new plan regarding foreign policy! Heck, I'll even give you the new States to annex.

Read on. But have a soothing drink first.

OK, we need seven new States to keep your acolytes from facing the distressing reality of your human status. The first two are no-brainers: Puerto Rico and American Samoa. We'll have to include the US Virgin Islands in the former, and both Guam and the US Marshall Islands in the latter. Granted, Greater American Samoa's population is still going to be pretty small, but let's face it: nobody's going to let you make DC into a State. Take what you can get.

But that's two. OK, for the next three let's look north. Quebec? Nope, too French. Ontario, Manitoba? Too Canadian. Saskatchewan? Forget it, we have enough trouble trying to remember how to spell Connecticut*. All those little whatever-they-are (I'm kidding, I know that they're provinces) east of Quebec? Ehh. Alberta? ... Yeah, that'll do. Some very nice industrial infrastructure in Alberta. British Columbia next: very pretty, from what I hear. And oh, well, we could grab the Yukon: something about there being a metric buttload of oil up there. We'll skip the Northwest Territory: frankly, it has too many islands associated with it.

OK, that's five. Two more, two more... got it! Baja California North, and Baja California South. No, wait, hear this one out. You announce six months early that we're going to take it over: then, on the day, you fence the eastern border with what used to be Mexico. That's, what, one third the length of California's border? Yeah, that'll save some money... especially since you fence up the rest of the border first, thus making points with the border-security people while still giving existing illegals a handy excuse. "Hey, I'm from Baja anyway. Funny how that goes, hombre?" Win-win all around - and there you have it! You were right all along. Look upon your vision, and glory in it:

http://www.redstate.com/files/ObamaUSA.JPG

Of course, this strategy would put you at war with two of our largest trading partners, annoy the living daylights out of various island-dwellers who don't particularly want to be fully integrated into our tax structure, and generally frighten the rest of the planet - but then, it's hardly less alarming than some of the stuff that you've said when you've had enough sleep lately, Barry.

Moe Lane

PS: As for the Alaska/Hawaii thing... tough one. Amalgamate the two states, and hope that your youth voters keep on subconsciously assuming that the two states are roughly the same size and next to each other, because that's the way they're usually shown on the maps? That's the best that I can do on short notice, sorry.

PPS: Oh, wait, you meant that there's a total of 58, right?

(pause)

Fine. Have DC as a State, then. Although finding the right two-letter postal designation is going to be a pain.

PPPS: 'Zounds! We've all counted wrong: as Ann Althouse notes, it's 59! (Via Glenn, who has a nice roundup of links). Ach, well: time for the emergency annexation.

Sorry, Iceland. It's nothing personal, but it's either you or Saskatchewan. And I don't want to have to learn how to spell Saskatchewan.

PPPPS: But I don't want Saskatchewan!

*Amusingly, I got it wrong on the first try.