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Just because.

By Moe Lane Posted in 2008 | Barack Obama | Hillary Clinton | The Best Democratic Primary EVER — Comments (10) / Email this page » / Leave a comment »

It's a letter from Senator Clinton to Senator Obama regarding the Michigan and Florida delegations (via Hot Air), and like all such letters what the writer would like to say is not necessarily what it does say. Fortunately, I am in the throes of a telepathic trance (or a minor throat infection, which has roughly the same effects), so let's rectify that, shall we? The actual letter is in blockquotes: my, ah, channelings of what Senator Clinton actually wanted to say and/or include are in italics.

Senator Barack Obama

Obama for America
P.O. Box 8102
Chicago, IL 60680

Dear Senator Obama,

[Me channeling HRC: Guess what? I'm still here. I guess Jimmy was right: give you one of mine and we'll both have two. Oh, by the way, Jimmy really appreciated the way that you just sat there and took the insult to both you and your wife not like a man at all. "Performance art?" You're from Illinois: did you really think that'd play in Peoria?]

[Read on, Barry.]

This has been an historic and exciting campaign. Millions of new voters have been brought into the process and their enthusiasm for the Democratic Party and the principles for which you and I have fought and continue to fight is unprecedented.

[While I have every intention of gouging your eyes out, and those of all of your acolytes, the courtesies must be honored.]

One of the foremost principles of our party is that citizens be allowed to vote and that those votes be counted. That principle is not currently being applied to the nearly 2.5 million people who voted in primaries in Florida and Michigan. Whoever emerges as the Democratic nominee will be hamstrung in the general election if a fair and quick resolution is not reached that ensures that the voices of these voters are heard. Our commitment now to this goal could be the difference between winning and losing in November.

[Flor-i-da. Mich-i-gan. The first is a GOP swing state that we want to win; the second is a Democratic swing state - now - that we need to win. It is also a state with an unemployment rate of 7.2%. That is bad, in case nobody's ever sat you down to explain that.]

I have consistently said that the votes cast in Florida and Michigan in January should be counted. We cannot ignore the fact that the people in those states took the time to be a part of this process and to make their preferences known.

[We also can't ignore the fact that the idiots in Washington are far away, while the ones in Lansing are right there. Anybody who thinks that this shouldn't be an issue should meditate on post-Katrina Louisianan politics.]

When efforts were untaken by leaders in those states to hold revotes to ensure that they had a voice in selecting our nominee, I supported those efforts. In Michigan, I supported a legislative effort to hold a revote that the Democratic National Committee said was in complete compliance with the party's rules.

[We call this pol-i-tics. It's sort of like what you do, only it's boring, and actually accomplishes things.]

You did not support those efforts and your supporters in Michigan publically opposed them.

[Pretty much as usual, in other words.]

In Florida a number of revote options were proposed. I am not aware of any that you supported.

[Mostly because while Michigan showed that you had the political - there's that word again! - instincts of a stunned yak (following John Edwards's lead? On anything? Were you completely mad?), Florida demonstrated some very embarrassing demographic absences in the set of People Who Want To Believe in Your Hope and Change.]

In 2000, the Republicans won an election by successfully opposing a fair counting of votes in Florida. As Democrats, we must reject any proposals that would do the same.

[God, but I cannot wait for the day when we can stop repeating that particular line of bull. But, hey: your demographic - along with the antiwar nuts, the 9/11 Truthers and the people who get a little funny in the head over Israel. And you're welcome to all of 'em.]

Your commitment to the voters of these states must be clearly stated and your support for a fair and quick resolution must be clearly demonstrated.

[I have to be fair here, Barry: you've spent almost your entire aware life in a world where American nominating conventions are essentially meaningless, so you may legitimately not understand why talking about letting them rubber-stamp your apotheosis isn't quite doing the trick this time. Yup, they broke the rules. Guess what? The two State delegations consider themselves more important than Howard Dean's rules. Guess what, again? They're right. Enthusiastic amateurs aside, they have something we want, and they don't have to give it to us...

Oh. Right. You did your internship under the Illinois Combine. Let me dumb this down for you, then: we can't fix the ballot boxes on this one. I know, I know, terrifying concept, but it happens sometimes.]

I am asking you to join me in working with representatives from Florida and Michigan and the Democratic National Committee to arrive at a solution that honors the votes of the millions of people who went to the polls in Florida and Michigan.

[I am hoping that you will do no such thing, of course. You could have turned this all off several months ago, by the way; and if you had, you'd be a lot better off right now.

Just something to think about at 3 AM.]

It is not enough to simply seat their representatives at the convention in Denver. The people of these great states, like the people who have voted and are to vote in other states, must have a voice in selecting our party's nominee.

[Me, in other words. Don't like that? Well, come on over here and knock me down, then.

I had my guy spot you a cojone, after all.]

Sincerely,

Hillary Rodham Clinton

[Again: I fully intend to gouge your eyes out. And then I'm going to start going down the list.]

[PS: How's Tony doing, these days?]